July 5-9th
I had the most amazing time in Dallas for the Mrs. Oklahoma Plus America Pageant
I spent the week making new friends, learning about all the other ladies platforms and meeting some really amazing people!! It was also a very emotional week for me, and that i was not expecting....i have worked for 3 years to win a state title and make it to a national level so that i could promote my platform "Breaking the silence of child sexual abuse" and i could not believe i was there representing my great state of Oklahoma, i had a lot of time to reflect on my journey....i cant believe that its been 3 years since i told my family that i was sexually abused as a child, after a year of therapy and on my therapist reccomendation i called my mom, definately one of the hardest conversations of my life....I told her everything which was made harder because my abusers are close family members. Next i had to tell my dad, this would be hard because my dad and i have had a somewhat estranged relationship since he left us when i was 13. we met at Chili's on a warm spring day and i had one of the most honest, sincere conversations with him that we have ever had, and i can honestly say that we are closer now, i dont know if its because of this converstaion, maybe it just broke down a little more of the wall that i built when he left us.
Suprisingly my family was willing to listen and hear what i had to say, and to respect my wishes of keeping who it was a family matter and not outing them.
There are family members who just choose to ignore what happened all together....and i am okay with that, i have learned through all of this that we all deal differently with trauma and even though my trauma was direct and at an early age, i know that my family is also dealing with their own trauma from what i told them.
last but certainly not least i had to figure out a way to tell my older two kids about my abuse, i knew this would be the HARDEST conversation of all....my therapist gave me a book that i coud read to them. But I was not prepared for the questions that they would ask. Who, Where, When and Why....
looking back i would have prepared better for these questions. My kids have been great though coming with me to appearances, and speaking engagements. being in the audience as i competed for Mrs. Oklahoma International....looking out and seeing my then 7 year old son crying at the end because i did not win and he did not get to read his letter to me in front of everyone was a moment i will never forget. Ethan wrote:
" My mom is special because she is butiful, in her heart too...its pertty....she luvs kids and helps them so much. someone did bad things to her but i am proud of her for doing good stuff for others....i love you mom!!!
They were there again as i competed and won Mrs. Oklahoma Plus America , they attend most of my appearances and are very involved in all that i do.
As much as i enjoyed competing for a national title i can honestly say I LOVE being Mrs. Oklahoma Plus America and the honor of the directors award for all the work that i have done thus far regarding my platform. Its nice to be recognized for all of my hard work, but more importantly i have a whole year to devote to getting the message out about child sex abuse, and molestation. I promise you that i will do my best to
"Break the silence of child sex abuse"
August 5th
Today i attended a going away party for Lauri Rottmayer, she is my friend, and my mentor, she has been a pivotol person who has helped me grow in my healing from my child sex abuse. There have been other very importanat people on my journey....Mandy Schulte and Summer Kay Armstrong.... I believe that God led me to her and the pageant that started it all for me. She believed in me and told me to walk with my head held high, before i believed in myself....i would call her before my speaking engagements or appearances, and she would give me a pep talk....i dont think i would have made it with out her. we will always be friends and i will never forget all that she did for me...now my goal is to help someone else and pay it forward so that someone else like me might have the same oppurtunity that i have.
September 25th-
So much has happened since i last wrote, I have been named the Spkoeswoman for www. Dreamcatchersforabusedchildren.com
and i will be starting a monthly blog radio show on October 9th for adult survivors of child sex abuse.
the link is
i will be on Sundays at 2pm central standard time, I have also been invited to speak at the Healthy womens expo in oklahoma city on October 1st, this will be a great way to spread my message as their will be alot of mothers and women in attendence.
I really feel that all the hard work that i have put in the last 3 years is starting to pay off. I will continue to keep you updated on my appearances and all the oppurtunities comin my way to break the silence of child sex abuse!!!!
October 24th-
reflecting today, i cant believe it has already been 6 months since i was crowned
Mrs. Oklahoma Plus America...I have a lot of events planned for the holidays....i am having the time of my life and intend to enjoy every last moment to the very fullest!!
I did my first live interview for dreamcatchers on blog talkradio.com/dreamcatchers
on sunday oct 4th and it went really good, i thought that i would be really nervous and stutter my words, but i didnt, i was really suprised how strong i have become....telling people my story has been so freeing....its no longer my burden to carry....
November 8th 2011-
Yesterday i let a comment that an uneducated woman made rock me to my core and for a moment question whether or not i was doing the right thing speaking out against child sex abuse....after praying about it and asking God to give me peace that i can not change everyones mind and educate people who refuse to listen.
I now understand that for every hateful person and comment made i help 50 others, and their lives are better because i speak out against abuse.....i speak not only for me, but for all the others who can not or who are not ready yet. no one ever said that this journey that i have started would be easy, i just never imagined along the way that i would come to feel persecuted for being a victim as a child and now a survivor. I will however use this comment to fuel my determination to push forward and continue to fight against child abuse....because i know what the alternative is....SUFFERING IN SILENCE....AND THAT IS NO LONGER AN OPTION!!
January 10 2012-
alot has happened since the last time i journaled, i have sadly stepped down as
Mrs. Oklahoma Plus America due to moral issues that i could not ignore.
but thankfully it is giving me more time to focus on my family and friends and really making a difference for abused children everywhere. Being named as the spokeswoman for Dream catchers for abused children has been a huge milestone in my 3 year journey to break the silence of child sexual abuse. I attended a Christmas party for the Canadian County foster care kids and it was such a joy to see how resillant children are, if you had not known that these children were in the foster care system you would have thought that they were just kids leading normal lives, I had a craft station where a volunteer made a christmas book mark with the kids while i talked to the foster parents about Dreamcatchers. I did talk to several kids and their stories forever touched my heart, at the end of the evening a little boy age 5 was asked to sing a song on the stage, they said its the same song he sang last year....he sang a song that he made up called ALL I WANT IS A MOMMY.... i had to excuse myself and go the restroom because i did not want to sit there and cry for these sweet children who want so badly to feel loved and cherished. I was heartbroken for days afterwards wishing i could adopt them all, but after praying about it i came to the realization that they are survivors just like me and someday when they are grown they will hopefully make it their mission to help others too, because out of lifes challenges we are made stronger and more resillant.
February 16, 2012
I had a big breakthrough in my recovery from my Child sexual abuse I started to have some memories of the first time that I was pregnant with my oldest child and one of my past abusers said to me
"you know once you have a baby your body will change, and it won't ever look the same"
I dont know why i have blocked this memory out for so long but the more i delve into my past and the more research that i do on early childhood trauma I realize how this persons comments affect me, even now. I wonder if subconciously i didnt register this remark and use it as a tool to protect myself, i did notice that as i gained weight the less he and other men noticed me, that was a huge relief to me.
Back in my early teen years i did a lot of modeling and pageants and that didnt help with my body image and caused me to have an unhealthy relationship with food, I would limit myself to about 600-800 calories a day so that i wouldn't gain weight. Once i started to have children it became much more difficult to control my healthy eating habits, i would go through brief periods of starvation, that would lead to brief periods of overating. By the time my daughter was ten years old I was completely out of control with my eating, my weight and my health was starting to be affected.
I started to see a counselor and I quickly realized that my eating disroder was getting worse coincided with my daughter turning the same age i was when i first recall being abused.
Today i still struggle..... everyday, i wish i could say that i am better, but that would be a lie.
somedays i am able to control the impulse to use food to make myself feel better, more in control, but somedays, when i am stressed, start thinking about the past or feel my life is out of my control I still struggle. This is a fight that i know i have to win! My life is dependant on getting control.
AS LONG AS I LIVE I WILL NEVER BE SILENCED AGAIN!! AND I WILL NEVER STOP FIGHTING TO
"BREAK THE SILENCE OF CHILD SEXUAL ABUSE"
